stuff

some days i feel like im not me. before everything happened i used to be this fun person who always lived life to the max. i didn't care about anything. i did what i wanted to when i wanted to. but now thing are different. im not the old me. im someone different. someone who's afraid of taking risks, someone who's afraid of getting hurt, someone who's apprehensive of everything. i never used to be this way; that is until everything happened. i wish i was the old me. everything i do now, seems fake. i don't do things because i want to, i do them because i have to. i want the old me back. i want to get over everything that happened. and im not sure how to. i really need some closure, and i don't know how to get that.



☮ hope ♥

ughhh

sometimes i feel like i made a mistake. i shouldn't have told a certain someone that i had someone for him. i like him...i like him a lot. and i don't know what to do about this. now he's seeing someone and i just wish i could get over him. and i need to. because all the guys that i have recently "liked" i didn't actually like them. i was just lusting after them, granted that's what i always do. when i lust after most guys, it's all physical; but this guy, like seriously, it's not at all physical. yeah i think it would be fun to get with him and tap that shit. but that's not all. i also want to just talk to him and just be with him. and damn this needs to fucking stop.



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this is not going to make sense

i really fucked up. and now its bothering me. why do i have to get them together?!?! why did i have to find someone? other people could've found someone. why ask me? like seriously why don't i have more girl friends? and then maybe it wouldn't bother me so much. well i guess i have more guy friends because i think like a guy so i have more guy friends. i literally have like five girl friends. i know what i did is a good thing for them, but why is it bothering me? well i know the answer to that. but i hate relationships, so why is it bothering me. even if it could work out with me id never go for it. EVER! so why do i wish i didn't do that?


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life

today i spent $50 on shoes. and i mean i love them and all, but still i spent 50 bucks on them. that is way more than i ever spend on shoes. and umm last night while i was at a party i called Alec and i told him about a certain situation that i have created for myself. which id rather not post on here. and i was pretty sad last night so i had to talk to someone i guess and i chose Alec. apparently i knew i wouldn't remember much so i told him last night to text me today because he said he would help me out. so during my break i called him and we talked for a good twenty mins. it was nice hearing his voice again. and i fucking miss fucking nyc.



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Brian

it was sooooooooo nice seeing Brian today. we just talked for like ever and ever he was here for like three hours and we just caught up on life. and we talked about Rebecca and him getting together. Brian said he needed a girl, so Rebecca it is. and when she comes down Geoffery is gonna come too. and then the four of us are gonna do something. i can't wait till then it'll be sooooo damn funnn. me and Brian talked about everything today. and i mean everything: girls/guys, energy drinks, drinking, Rebecca, Geoffery, smoking, school, and people. and hopefully i'll be seeing more of Brian next week. it's been mad long since i've seen him.



☮ hope ♥

dreams and dreams

so once again i had the same dreams last night. and it's sooooooo fucking annoying like for real they NEED to stop. this really all i have time to day right now. because i am about to go out, so i will talk about what happens hopefully tomorrow!



☮ hope ♥

my rant for today

so if there is one thing that i really hate, it's hippocracy. i really can't stand these people. it's one of the reasons i don't really have a faith. im basically athiest and these people are partially the reason why. the other reasons, well that's a story for another day. every year my parents do this thing at our temple, where they make food for anywhere from 300 to 450 people. it's a LOT of work. and i help my parents because the people in who's honor they do it, meant a lot to me. and honestly i really miss them. they were like my grandparents. and anyway. we had a bunch of food left over and this one guy packed literally like seven or eight containers of it! sikh's are not supposed to be greedy, but this guy was beyond fucking greedy. it's beyond fucking ridic. i can't stand that guy, i really honestly seriously fucking dislike him. and it's not like i wanted to take all the fucking food leftover; but my parents spend their time and money and energy in making it. they should be able to give it to whomever they want. and they did give it some of their friends, but still that guy had NOTHING to do with us. yes he should eat it like all the other people, but he shouldn't be a fucking greedy fucking ass. and the sad thing is it's not only my family and me who don't like him. many other people in our temple don't like him. anyway. that's my rant.



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boring

so i haven't blogged in a few days but that's only because nothing interesting has been happening. except yesterday i had a job interview at jcpenny. and i think it went well. well i hope it went well. anyway. i'll find out if i got the job next week. that's pretty much all that is going on in my life.



☮ hope ♥

life

so ummm nothing is really going on right now. i didn't do anything too crazy last night. well i didn't do anything crazy at all last night. i was home at like midnight and went straight to bed. but still had fun. and today i didn't do anything. well that's a lie. i went grocery shopping, and picked up some forms from my doctor. and then i went out for dinner tonight, but with my parents. so that wasn't as fun. but it was good. that's all for now.



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life

so today im really not sure what i did besides go to the gym. that's partially because i woke up at noon. so while i was at the gym Rebecca texted me saying that our chemistry grades were up. and yes i got an A. so there's only one grade that i don't know which is kinda really driving me crazy because it should be up. grades are due from professors 72 hours after the exam. this exam was right after chemistry so it should be up. so NYU is kinda pissing me off. in other news today i when i was making my lunch i realized it was thursday and every thursday i have lunch with Alec, or coffee, or well i at least see him. but that didn't happen today. also i kinda really miss all my NYU friends and going through New York City withdrawal is not helping my case.



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life

so today i saw Courtney after the longest time. well it felt like a long ass time, anyway we went to the mall and just hung out. it was nice. im soo glad i get to see my friends again. and i also got my chemistry final exam grade, my philosophy exam, and my chemistry lab final grade. and you know what's really fucked up??? i do fine in the classes for my major/focus but i do worse on my required classes. those are supposed to be worse. and also today i brought into perspective the possibility of doing a double major in psychology and chemistry.



☮ hope ♥

updates updates updates

so i haven't blogged in literally a week, i've just been so busy with finals and getting home and stuff, so here's to one long post.

so tuesday i was major major major freaking out about my chemistry exam that was on thursday. and to add to that my friend Geoffery decided to drop the bomb: he knew my friend Brian. and i have mentioned Brian multiple times, because for some reason i really think that Rebecca and Brian need to hook up. i have no clue why, but i really think they need to get together. so Rebecca, Geoffery, and me are sitting at this table in the library, and we're in the area where we can talk. and then Geoffery says, "I know Brian Beisel, well im not sure if it's the same one but i know one" and im like "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!? Describe him!" and he goes "tall, average weight, curly brown hair" and im like "OHHH MYYYYY GODDDDDDD!!!!" he says he knew Brian from an orchestra camp in Philly when he was a freshmen so i text Brian "so did you go to an orchestra camp when you were a sophomore in Philly?" and Brian's like "how did you know thattt?!?!?!" i felt like a complete creeper so i called him and told him what was going on and i also told him about Rebecca and he was like "send me a picture of the both of them" so i did. and the idiot thought that Rebecca was also from the camp and i was like "nooooo she's the girl im trying to set you up with." and then he was like "what prompted this?" so i had to tell him the story about how his ex-girlfriend asked me about how i like nyu and i couldn't fucking lie to her because i fucking love nyu. im sooo fucking happy there. so i basically told her the truth, and i thought that i convinced her to come to nyu. and me and Brian talked for a bit and i was hoping he would never hear this story but clearly that didn't happen.

so wednesday i was major freaking the fuck out about chemistry. like for real. in a twenty-four time period, i had ten coffees, two vibrancy drinks, and a cig, i don't even smoke! i told Brian about this and i was like im gonna die and i told him what i did and he said that he would kill me. but he'd never do that; he loves me. anyway i was studying my ass off with Rebecca and Hanah. Rebecca, Geoffery, and me also got frozen yogurt when we were taking a study break. and that day in the library i was so much in the zone to the point that i couldn't hear my friends calling me and the other reason is probably that i had my music on really loud. and i still think that i failed my exam.

thursday, i had to turn my take home final exam. and then when i was walking to the building i realized i forgot to print out my works cited page. and then i went to library printed it out and turned it in. then i slept for a few hours and i got lunch with Alec and freaked the fuck out because i had my chemistry exam and then right after i had another exam. and i think i did alright on that exam. so after my exams i hit the library up again with Rebecca. and Hanah said she was treating me to frozen yogurt, but i don't let people treat me i just let them think that they will treat me. and then after we went back to the library for some chemistry fun. and then this guy Matt was also there. i don't think i've mentioned him, but he used me for chemistry and to get to Rebecca (he wants her so bad like it's sooooo funny, and she really doesn't want him. and im trying to get her with Brian) and for Starbucks. i don't remember when this happened but we were in the library and i was being polite because that's just me unless you give me a reason to be mean, which many people do. anyway so i was like im going to Starbucks anyone want anything (anyone being Matt and Rebecca) and Matt was like "yeah i'll have a grande iced caramel machiato" i was expecting him to pay me back but he didn't. so finally on thursday i was like pay me back, and by the way, he was drinking in the library, and smelt like ughhhhh. like i hate the smell of beer, any other alcohol is fine just not beer. i hate beer the smell the taste everything. who the fuck fucking drinks in a fucking library? like for real. so i asked him for my money which he did give back thankfully, otherwise he would've gotten a piece of me. then at like three the upper areas of the library were closing and Geoffery, Rebecca, and me were going to leave then. just then Annie told me butt guy was downstairs sitting right across from her i didn't want to see him, but then i had to. i ended up walking almost all the way back to my dorm with Rebecca and Geoffery but then i turned around went right back to the library to stare at him like a creeper..not really. i actually did study for my chemistry lab final. ughhh i really wanna tapp that shittttt, but that's not gonna happen now is it? so i was at the library till 5:30 and i went to bed at 6 woke up at 7.

and now on to friday. like i said i woke up at seven so basically an hour of sleep, and i was leaving, and i had literally nothing packed, and didn't sell my books, and i hadn't been to the gym in three days. so i was not in a good mood. anyway i had to go to Bath and Body Works, to pick up my mom's Mother's Day gift and to Papyrus to get a card. and i had a few other things to do. i did them, went to lunch with Hanah and Rebecca and Geoffery also came. then we all went to our exam and i got out of their asap. like i couldn't deal with that shit. and so i left sold my books and began freaking the fuck out. i didn't have anything packed. all i had done was getting the posters off of my wall. and i texted Hanah, Annie, Steffany, Alec, Geoffery, and Rebecca that i was in my room and i needed help! and Hanah-bless her heart- my parents would have killed me if it weren't for her. she literally packed everything for me. and when my parents were stuck in the Holland Tunnel i did a little bhangra for Rebecca, Alejandra, and Geoffery. my parents picked me up and that's when it hit me. i really do not want to leave new york city. im in love with it, and i don't think i'll ever want to leave. i told this to Brian who was drunk at formal and he seemed to take it well.

saturday. well i slept for like twelve hours because i was sooooo sleep deprived. i saw Lisa too. and obviously i was obnoxious as ever at Barnes & Noble (what's new there?) it was nice seeing her. i hadn't seen her in forever. and then that night i went to a friends house. and you all know that i am a light weight. we were playing an intense round of vodka/orange juice pong...which i did fucking win but i thought it would be a good idea to chugg the rest. and then i had two coconut rum and orange juices. and then James told me some stuff about this bitch which you guys do not know about, and that made me sad so my friends were like petron!!! tequilla!!! so i had seven drinks but thankfully i kept eating so i didn't get sick. and i remember everything!! so it's all good.

sunday. that was Mother's Day, and i was hungover. and then Brian texted and was like "whattt your not gonna come home" or some shit like that and i didn't know what he was talking about because i was so hungover and then he clarified and i was like ohhh and i told him i didn't wanna be home and shit like that and he DID NOT take the news well. then i visited my grandmother who's at my mom's sister's house...i would say my aunt, but she's not an aunt to me. in my opinion you earn a name, aunt, sister, brother, etc.., by what you do. this woman has never done a single thing that makes her my aunt. i absolutely hate that bitch. she's a fucking motherfucker. my parents and i went out for dinner and that was fun.

monday, i slept a lot. ate a lot of junk food, like way way way way way too much and then went to the gym. and i started a 1000 piece puzzle. surprisingly my mother did not get mad at me. also my dad's family friends were like is it okay if we come on saturday or sunday and obviously my parents were like of course so that meant that on tuesday i had to clean all of my shit because on wednesday (today) the cleaning people were coming. i get these people are really important not just to my parents but in the world but still i just got home gimme a break.

tuesday. CLEANING MY SHIT! the end. and then i went to a restaurant with some friends. then when i got home cleaning some more. like a lot more and i had a shit load of fucking shit to clean. it was fucking intense. like not good. and my mom is in crazy bitch mode. so that does not help my case.

so there's my life since the last time i posted. today's post will be coming shortly.



☮ hope ♥

life

so i didn't post yesterday because it was strawberry fest. which was fun fyi. and ill update you all later. finals are kicking my ass and i wanna fuck butt guy what's new?


☮ hope ♥

today

so today i asked my best friend here, Alec, who i don't think i have mentioned, to help me and my situation. and i have to say, he is crazy. he gave me two options, asking butt guy to coffee or just straight up asking him if he wants to fuck, because Alec knows i just want to fuck him once. and option one, im too much of a pussy to do that. like seriously, im not like that with anyone except a person i like. and option two, if i can't do option one how the hell am i gonna do option two. i really want to ask him to coffee when we are both studying and need a break, but i don't know if i have enough balls to do that.
then, in chemistry when i told Rebecca about what Alec said she just laughed and asked me if i was gonna do any of them. i told her im too much of a pussy. and Craig and this other kid Kevin were also there and Craig called me a guy, which i know i am because i just want to fuck this guy once and how much i curse and many other things i do.
so life is just not floating my boat right now, because i also have finals to deal with.


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help me! please

so today i have decided that i need help. like major help. more like major major major fucking help. like i think all of my psych major friends, which by the way im prob majoring in too, need to get together and then help my fucking ass. like what im going through right now is not at all me. at all. im fucking in love with a guy i barely know. yes he's totally my type, but damn i can't be dealing with this right now. and i generally fall for personality, and i have talked to him enough to know what he's like, and that just makes him soooooo much more fucking attractive. like seriously. he's the "bad boy" type, which i love.
yesterday when i texted Rebecca and said that he's that type she responded with "ohhh you mean the ones that you should be staying away fromm......????!" and obviously i responded with "stfuuuuuu im in loveee i go for what im attracted too and thats him" and what did she say? "wellllll that sounds like a disaster in the making hah" and you know im not at all denying that. it is. whenever there's a "bad boy" type involved it's most likely a disaster in the making. which is probably another reason why i have yet to have a long term relationship. i always fall for them and then it get messy and then we're both like damn we fucked up and then we become friends. we never go back out again, because i believe once it's over it's over. i don't see a point in trying again, unless it's like some serious love.
anyway. im in love, and im not sure how to either get him or get over him.



☮ hope ♥

my day today

so today i woke up at 6, because for some reason my body thinks that six hours of sleep is the perfect amount for me. i beg to differ, but that's not quite the point. anyway. so at 6 i was like damn i can still sleep another hour or two. so i went back to bed, and i woke up at 7. i was hoping for a little later, but ill take what i can get. right? anyhow. i was meeting Rebecca up at Starbucks, to go over lab. and while we were there guess who popped up in the window?? butt guy obviously. he was smoking a cigarette and then walked in. and damn he's so gorgeous. Rebecca felt the need to make fun of me because im sooo fucking obsessed with him. and the sad thing is, he's a senior. chances are im not gonna see much of him after the next few weeks. and the saddest thing is i still don't know his fucking name. but i told myself, the next time i talk to him, which today i didn't, i will ask his name. so then i thought today would be a good day. NOT! in lab i felt like i was dying. my left knee was killing the shit outta me. and then when i went to the health center, after sitting around for an hour and a half, they told me i have tendinitis. isn't that lovely? not really but whatever. anyway. then i had my meeting with my adviser and i love that guy. we talked for forever, about random shit and important shit. and then i went to my writing class, and then somehow i was able to make it to the MET after my class ending early at 430. how idk. i just think im lucky.



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turns out im not mad

so today my recitation for chemistry got out way early because we didn't have any homework due nor did we have a quiz. the class starts at like two and we were out at 230-ish. anyway. so i walked back to my dorm to put my chemistry stuff away with my friend Craig. he told me to let him know when i was leaving and i said im leaving in a few minutes because i wanna get Starbucks, and he was like nevermind i have to eat. so i was like okay. and i didn't really feel like walking back just then so i thought id check my email. but then! Rebecca texted me, by the way im now calling her Rebz, and she was like "omgomgomgomgomgomgomg your bfannn is in bobst with me" and obviously i was like "omggg im cominggggg!!!" and i was sooooo happy she told me. and im beginning to think he's gay =[. i hope fucking not because damn id tap that shitttttt. and he's soooo fucking hot and listens to good music and has a great ass and dresses well, which yes is rare. but maybe i found one of the rare ones. i really hope so. anyway. back to the library. so when he left i left too and we got into the elevator together, and yes i did talk to him. and i forgot to ask his name again =[. but im glad Rebecca told me, because that my day =].



☮ hope ♥

fat ass

so right now i am in the library trying to procrastinate in every fucking way fucking possible. and this i believe is a great way. so here's to what i've done today.

so this morning i woke up at nineish. and i went to the gym. today was my cardio-only day. so i was on the stair stepper for about forty minutes. then i went back to my dorm and showered and went to my friend's dorm since me and her and a few others were meeting up for brunch. the brunch at palladium (dining/residence hall and gym) is fucking delicious. like i mean seriously so fucking good. i fucking love that shit. at the end of brunch my friends were making fun of me for how many plates i had on my tray, in the order of which i got them
1- plate of pancakes (only two of them)
2- plate of grapefruit
3- plate of strawberries
4- plate of fruit
5- bowl of trix cereal with milk
6- plate of fruit
7- bowl with a cookie on the bottom topped with birthday batter ice cream
not to mention the two glasses of milk, two cups of coffee, and some carbonated punch stufff
needless to say i felt like a fat ass, but damn it was soo good. normally i eat like every two hours, just because my body works like that. but, after that i still haven't eaten anything, unless you consider gum food, which i don't.
then after this i went back to my dorm to get the stuff i needed to study and i went to the park. BAD IDEA. i just sat around and people watched. there was a guy tripping on coke next to me, which was just pure entertainment. and i obviously got shit done. so now im at the library. first i facebooked, then formspringed, then checked my email, and now this.



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thanks

yesterday, i was having issues with doing the pre-lab for my chemistry lab that was today. so i texted my friend, Craig, to see if he had done it and he hadn't. so he was like come over in half an hour, which i did. when i was in his room something on his desk caught my attention. it was a letter from his best friend; in one short word it was a thanks. a thanks for everything he did for her, how he helped her through the good, the bad and the ugly, how much he means to her, how much she loves him, and how great full she is for him to be in her life. it showed how much love someone can have for another without being in love, which we really need a lot more of in this world.
this letter was probably one of the two nicest things i have ever seen somebody write. the other being what this girl, Jordan, wrote for her eulogy when her best friend, Steve, one of my friends, past away. people, whenever you have something to say to someone just say it. please. you never know when it just might be too late, which in Jordan's case it was. if there's something you need to say don't wait, you never know what turns life might bring about.
back to his letter. when i read it i was almost put to tears. very rarely does someone receive something this meaningful. im glad i had the opportunity to read the letter Craig received. when i told him that's one of the sweetest things id ever read, he said "yeah isn't it? but im over it now." how anyone simply gets over something like that is beyond me.



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Friends

so those of you who know me, know that i am OBSESSED with Friends. i absolutely love that show, i cant even imagine what my life would be without it. and some of my friends love it just as much as me. so if i say a quote we'll just start laughing like crazy and be like i remember that episode. and then there are the times when ill be talking to someone and ill drop a quote from Friends and he/she will just look at me like i have five heads, because he/she doesn't get it. and i just have to look down and shake my head and say nevermind, its a Friends thing. most people have at least heard of the show. so if i say that they'll at least know somewhat of what im talking about. but then there are also a few people who have never even heard of Friends. and those people just need help. i mean seriously, watch a couple episodes and you'll be hooked. its so funny, so good, and so fucking entertaining. it can always cheer me up, especially the episode where Ross is fine, and the one where Joey gets his eyebrows waxed, and when Chandler cant cry, basically i love all the episodes.
today, my friend Katie came over. and whenever we hang out at either of our houses we watch friends. its kinda like a tradition. not really, but whatever. we both fucking love that show. its soooo good. we started out watching disc two of season six. and i have to say, i love the episode where Rachel makes the dessert trifle with beef. its just soooo funny. they all pretend to eat it, and joey well, he just loves it. on top of this, in this episode we find out that Ross smoked pot in college. if i were to guess anyone who didnt smoke pot i would say Ross, but finding this out made me love him. kudos to Ross.
Friends is just part of my life. i need my daily dose of Friends, and today i was glad to get seven doses with one of my best friends. it just makes me feel wonderful and makes me laugh. damn i just love that fucking show.